Goodbye's are always hard.

Hi baby girl,

This will probably be the last time I write to you on here. When the doctor called me back on Friday and told me that we had a miscarriage I still didn't want to believe him :( But unfortunately I started bleeding the very next day. Sunday was the worst.. I had cramps so bad that all I could do was lay in a ball and cry. It didn't help that I was heartbroken at what this meant.

I'm starting to turn around and be more positive. I'm very happy that I was able to pass everything through me on my own. I didn't want to have surgery.. it just seemed wrong to have you surgically removed from me. This was more natual and helped bring peace to the whole ordeal. I'm expecting to bleed for a couple more days and then hopefully in a month's time I will get my period and your daddy and I will be able to try again!

It makes me sad to look in your closet and see the few outfits that I had already bought for you. I even had a coming home outfit picked out. You would have looked so beautiful :) I miss you everyday and will never, ever forget that you were my first little baby.

Have fun in Heaven, sweetie. I know you will be taken care of there.
I'll love you forever and not a day less.

8 Weeks

Hi Angel,

If you were still growing inside of me you would be the size of a raspberry today :) I'm not going to be convinced that you aren't growing inside of me until I hear back from the doctor today. And even then, I'm going to make sure I get one last ultrasound. I won't believe anyone until I can see one last time for myself. I'm your mama and I'm not supposed to let anyone hurt you.

I love you.

The Waiting Game..

And now we play the waiting game..

I'm about 99% sure that when the doctor calls tomorrow with my blood results, they won't be good. But how can I help holding out a little bit of hope? :( Of course I am wishing and praying every second that the doctor was wrong and it is possible for my dates to just be that far off! But it just doesn't seem probable.

So I guess the next best thing that I can hope for, is a quick and speedy recovery so that we can begin trying again right away. The main thing that's helping me get through this right now is knowing that I can get pregnant. I had too many doubts about that before.. but you proved me wrong, sweetie :)

I'll update you tomorrow.

I love you so much!

First Ultrasound

Hi sweet baby,

Today was our first appointment with the doctor and it wasn't a good one :( We waited in the waiting room for about half an hour and then was brought right back to the ultrasound room. They did a vaginal ultrasound and the screen showed a gestational sac and nothing else. I was supposed to be 7w5d but the ultrasound showed that I was measuring around 5 weeks. It doesn't really make sense that I would be measuring behind, because we found out we were pregnant so soon after my missed period. I had blood drawn to check my beta levels and I will go back on Friday to draw again. They'll compare the 2 and if the numbers have dropped since today that means that we lost you around 5 weeks. That's right around the time we found out about you.. give or take a couple days.

I am heartbroken to say the least. I wanted you so bad :( Your daddy is putting up a strong front but I'm sure he's feeling the same as me. I never really felt pregnant but some people don't get any symptoms so I tried not to worry! Part of me wonders if somehow I knew about this all along and that's why I was so worried the entire time. 2 of my friends are both about 13 weeks along and commented on how it was weird how worried I was.. so maybe it was just a sign from God.

I know I can get through this and as soon as it's safe your daddy and I will try again. I'm still convinced that you would have been a little girl. My sweet, sweet little baby girl. If our worst suspicions are true, God has truly been given an amazing new angel to watch over. I know you would have been great, honey. You brought me much happiness in the little time that I knew you. I hope I can meet you someday and tell you in person how much you meant to me. You'll always have a very special place in my heart and I have no doubt that I will love you forever.

Love, hugs & many kisses,
Your loving mama.

Counting down the hours..

Hi angel,

20 more hours until our first appointment! Hey, let's say we make a deal? You show that doctor how big and strong you are, and let daddy and me see your heart a'beatin away.. and I will indulge in a special treat for you after the appointment? You can decide tomorrow what you want that treat to be :) Think you can make that work, babe?

I'm so nervous and so excited at the same time! I called our insurance company yesterday and asked how many ultrasounds our policy covers. She said that it covers 2, unless the doctor orders more due to medical reasons. Did you know that if everything is okay after this checkup that we will be able to find out if you're a little girl or a little boy in about 10-12 weeks?! Exciting news, huh?

I'm going to try to remember to take a picture of some really cute stuff that I got you last weekend. I'm surprised your daddy hasn't said anything yet.. but maybe he hasn't really looked in your closet. It's VIKINGS!! YAYYY!! I am a diehard Viking and your daddy loves the Packers. He's going to have to get his little butt out shopping if he thinks you're ever going to have Packer stuff in your closet! I won't be surprised if you end up with some Packer stuff as gifts.. almost all of our friends are Packers fans.

I'm super, super tired all of a sudden. Last night was the best nights sleep I've had in few days too! I didn't fall asleep until around midnight but I didn't wake up until my alarm went off this morning :) Can't complain about that! Usually you're little brothers and sisters (puppies that is) wake me up at least once a night. I guess they decided to be nice to your mama today :)

Time to pretend to be busy at work..
I love you more than you know :)

Here's to thinking positive!

Hi peanut.

2 more days until our doctor appointment. I've been trying to gather as much information as I can about what all happens at this appointment. It seems different for every person and every doctor though. All I know is that I really want to be able to hear your heartbeat first. If for some reason something is wrong.. I don't want to have wasted 2 hours sitting there answering questions all the while I'm worrying about whether I'm going to be able to hear your heartbeat or not as soon as their done.

I hope that if you look back and read this someday, that you'll take all my worrying as a sign of endearment and not craziness. :( You are a miracle to us and you always will be!

I love you bunches,
Your mama

Oh baby!

You already have a closet full of clothes :/ And I've been obsessed with researching cloth diapers. I need to slow down.. I have 7 whole months to figure all this stuff out! But it's just so exciting :) 2 more days until we can hopefully hear your little heart beating.

So in love with you already!